i guess.. things are back to normal. i think. i hope.

on another note, school's ending soon and i have to say that i feel a little heavy to
leave school. i shall miss it. and yesterday i had a 'date' with my good-looking
lecturer, thought the 'date' was more to my individual project walkthrough.
haha. but it felt good. wonderful yawwwww. just me and him. LOL PERASAN KE PER.
and in march, i might just take off for tokyo. please let this dream come true.
i've planned so many things once i touch down in japan. heh heh.

did you read the letter, F? my gut feeling says 'yes'.

dear F,

somehow a gut feeling keeps telling me that you have always been visiting
dilatedstories and read them entries. here's a letter im writing to you; things i've
been hiding inside for so long, i want to tell them to you for its been months
since the last time i saw you and weeks since we last talked.
dont you feel that we have been acting like strangers? and why, i do not know.
busy perhaps? me and my tight school schedules and work? you and your
tight school schedule and life as a musician with oms? probably.
we dont have time to even say a simple hello and how-are-you as a form of
salutation to inform each other how much we both are still alive and breathing.
what have we become? after the dates, outings etc etc since oct 2008?
the old times before i've buried deep and i felt that we both have grown up. have
we?

why this letter of a sudden i myself could not explain.i would prefer to think it as a
form of a communication; something i know that will reach to you eventually.
because your phone refused to be obedient and i have came up with a thousand
lists of why you wouldnt reply my messages sometimes like a middleman attack?
heh. for the past four consecutive nights, it was you who had been appearing
all the time in different places, different situations. yes it gave me a
little light of hope. but dreams are just dreams, visions of sleep that will never come
true. and you know what i dreamt? wonderful things; you and i did.
movies, bus rides, quiet walks, idle conversations. i missed them. really. do you?
most of the time i tried to make myself believe, its what every girl's dream to do
those mentionables and only a boy's nightmare. or maybe for you, it had
been a total disaster to do them with me. i make myself believe that im just a
normal friend to you, eventhough you were the one who made the first moves.

have you realized that ever since we contacted back never did i mention that i had
ever loved you? or adored you? because i was too afraid to let myself down again.
what if we never made it? what if it happened like last time? what if i was left
once more? when you first stopped communicating with me after april last year,
i forced myself to believe you are not the one im looking for.
you were gone just like that without letting me know why. and i tried. i tried.
but somehow my ego starts to dissipate and i let you in my life once more, giving
you another chance. i did, didnt i? and then, there goes the process once more;
the dates, the meet ups, the idle convos. and then it stopped. really,
as in stopped. no more. i was left again to fend myself, to pick up the pieces.
you made me feel like an object of lust. its like you lost my number, i lost yours,
we lived at each end of the world without any form of contact.

i hate myself. for falling for you all over again even though i didnt tell you so.
you formed words of splendour, word of adoration for me like your tongue was
made for it. i wanted to believe in it, like when you said you liked me? heh.
but with this kind of attitude, do i even dare to believe? let me tell you the
truth: when you first told me we can go on like more then friends but just friends in
the eyes of the others, i hated it. i loathed the idea. i do not want to be used.
i am not an object, a magazine to be left on the shelves once you finished reading.
i want to be normal, like someone who found love and be happy.
are you like that? are you using me as an object of lust? did you come back to
me because you know i am quite weak when it comes to you, my high mighty
ego shattered when you utter to me words of adoration? yes, i am.
but the question is, are you taking advantage of that fact? are you even serious?
its a little hard to trust because look at the way you are treating me now.
more like rubbish. more like 'you are not my friend, who are you' thing.

are you even the gentleman i know? i dont recognize you anymore. why are you
so different now? you are forever telling me that you are busy, but are you as busy
as you claimed to be? are you really treating me like a spare tyre; once you find
someone suitable, you are ditching me? remember the time we sat at the void
deck, and i was telling you how sad i felt over stuffs, you were comforting me? that
was priceless; i would do anything to get that memory back.
there was no intimacy, nothing. just me and you, comforting each other when life
gets too hard. and you wanted to meet mom soon, kak ima's wedding you said?
remember the time when you came to my school, dinner at koufu and revising my
modules with me and you piggy-backed me home?
remember when we had 925 and 962 bus rides after my fypj? i remembered
everything F, i remembered. but do you even keep a piece of the memory?

and then you disappeared. like the wind. and you appeared. and disappeared
again. like forever. i do not know what happened to you minus the 'updates' you
had in your fb. i became a little paranoid but i tried getting over it. thats why i 
enjoyed busy days, bust weekends. they stopped me from thinking too much of
you, stopped me from being sad and paranoid. do you even care about me?
one day i hate you totally like 'fuck get out of my life' hatred and the next i miss
you like 'come back, i miss you so'. what is wrong with me? last time i do
not understand why first love is so hard to forget, now i do. do you? if you are a
gentleman, you shall ditch me the way gentlemen do: they say it face-to-face,
they comfort you, make sure you are okay to receive the news and leave like the
way a gentleman does. not mia-ing. not like this. i deserve more than this.
if you are afraid your friends will know, why didnt you think about it last time when
you contacted me once more? its too late; moreover this is your life, not theirs.
its your decision to make. the question is: are you brave to face it?

if you read this F, which i hope you do, i am just a phone call away. i may not be
ready to receive you fully, but i know one day i will. even after all what you
have done to me. call me stupid, call me naive. call me any names you want.
i shall save my words of adoration for you later, that is if you even have an ounce
of care in your soul. i need some explanations. i too deserve something better
than this. if you feel guilty, send me a simple hello. or anything.
some coincidental meeting. or whatever. i have forgiven the past. dont confuse
my soul and heart anymore. i will be too happy even if its some simple form of
communication. i know you are tied to oms, uni, ccas and whatever stuffs
you have but if you spare me a minute even, i can help to spare you the world.

i hope to see you tonight in my dreams.

yours truly,
Fiqah